I Let Go Of Blame
Responsibility and blame are mutually exclusive. One is emotional empowerment, the other is emotional bypassing.
Placing blame
the victim’s game
refusing to own
my emotional pain.
I made a choice, once upon a time, to let go of blame. It was a choice burdened by grief: I was saying goodbye to not just a very convenient tool, but a belief system - one that directed my meaning making, uplifted my ego, and seemingly eased my life experiences.
Unconsciously, blame made me feel “right”, “good”, and “better than”. Though in retrospect? I now know that all blame did was aid me in emotional bypassing.
To let go of something, even blame, will always be accompanied by grief. For to no longer have blame meant that I no longer had an attachment - something that I could depend on for dealing with life. But there is mercy in letting go of dependencies such as blame: we grieve outdated beliefs and unhealthy attachments to make space for something more.
This choice to let go of blame was principled: rooted in my purpose, guided by my north star. Responsibility is one third of that north star - it would be out of alignment for me to choose blame because that would mean I am not choosing responsibility. The two are mutually exclusive.
Responsibility is empowerment. Blame gives my power away.
Anytime I blame another for how I feel, (even when I think that what the other has done or said, or not done or not said, is deceitful, cruel, or against “the rules”) is to effectually say: YOU are the one in control of MY life.
But no one is in control of my life’s experience but me. And I choose not to give my power away like that.
This is not to say that I am immune to painful emotions in reaction to life.
People do things while figuring out who they are. And sometimes what they do hurts me. Not because they intended to make me upset, but because they are being human - and so am I. We are both learning about ourselves, mis-step by mis-step along the way. That’s the sacred beauty of being human: feeling the shit to growth through it.
By applying the lenses of Parts Work (IFS) and Relational Life Therapy, we can create space for our emotional experience in relation to the other by recognizing that a younger part of us feels upset in reaction to the behavior of a younger part of them. When our parts are the ones doing and reacting, this means:
a) our wise adult self is not currently in charge, and
b) we have the opportunity to recognize our common humanity and that what is happening is for our personal and collective growth.
This opportunity offers us choice and control over our behavior (note: we can only control our own - not another’s!) and therefore have the power to affect our emotional experience.
Through the lens of The Presence Process we can take this one step further in remembering that the one that triggered us is in effect offering us a gift: unbeknownst to them, they are directing us to where we are ready to integrate past wounds. Spirit has orchestrated the painful circumstance so that we may become aware of what is not yet integrated - so that we can, if we choose to, lean in and do that inner work of becoming more whole. In letting go of blame, this wholeness is “the more” we are making room for.
Being human means that I am going to have emotional experiences. It is what I do with those emotions that makes all the difference.
I can own it and transform it.
But if I blame? All I get is more pain.
I may very well experience upset in reaction to a fellow human’s behavior, but the feelings I feel are never their fault. My emotional experience is made by me, for me. It is mine to have and to hold. I may be catalyzed into a really rough ride of emotionality by another person - but when I remember that they did not mean to hurt me, then I cannot blame them for how I feel. This is the difference between reacting and responding; between emotional bypassing (blame) and emotional empowerment.
Letting go of blame does not mean I won’t feel upset - I just won’t make someone else responsible for it. And therein lies my power: to feel responsibly and respond to my feelings. When I feel responsibly, I require of myself to remember that the other person’s intent has nothing to do with my emotional experience.
Intent is often incongruent with impact. The reason? Perspective.
To blame is to negate perspective. To blame is the victim’s game - the illusion that the systems we live in have taught us to blindly abide by. It is the false belief that my experience is the fault of what is outside of me - societal or cultural rules, the “bad” guys in politics, what someone has posted on facebook. To collude with this illusion by making my personal emotional experience relational, is insane. To believe they upset me and therefore they must make make me feel better! is insanity because no one can make me feel anything.
The truth?
What I feel is my experience, my experience is 100% based on my perspective, and perspective is my superpower.
Your Superpower Perspective is your superpower. At the end of the day everything about your experience in this life comes down to how you wield this power. And the true gift of Perspective? No one can take it from you. Use it wisely and you have the power to change your entire world.
My life experience has come with more spaciousness, acceptance, and peace since letting go of blame. I still feel the feels, fumble, and momentarily react to things people do - because as a human being, just like you, I still have inner work to do! But in every moment that I remember my superpower, forgo blame, and respond responsibly - I am that much closer to wholeness.