I Refuse To Try
How quitting trying builds self trust, improves relationships, and manifests a more purposefully aligned life.
As an IFS coach, whenever I hear my client say “I’ll try”, what I hear is “there is a part within me that holds doubt around my ability to follow through.”
When I don’t follow through - I feel bad. That “bad” feeling (another part) may be guilt, disappointment, regret, or perhaps shame. In order to protect my system from being overwhelmed by these uncomfortable feelings, my “I’ll Try” Part steps up. “I try” is a non-commitment pretending to be in good faith, that feels “acceptable” in the moment while preventing the possibility of me experiencing any of these bad feelings relevant to the task in the future.
“I try” keeps my system safe.
And it exudes a lack of integrity.
Here’s how the “I’ll try” mechanism functions:
If I don't commit, then I have nothing to follow through on, and if I have nothing to follow through on, then I can’t possibly fail to follow through - therefore I cannot let anyone down! Ultimately I won’t be letting myself down (no bad feelings like disappointment to experience - phew!), but often I project this expected disappointment of me onto others.
When we doubt our own follow through there exists a lack of self trust within our system. Through the lens of Parts Work, this is explained as parts of us do not trust other parts of us. And for good reason. History of you saying one thing and not following through, time again, has shown your system that you are not trustworthy.
As I tell my clients: be mindful of what you want me to hold you accountable for - not because it matters what I think, but because…
YOUR PARTS ARE ALWAYS WATCHING.
For example, you may have a people pleasing part or a FOMO part or a conflict-avoiding part that gives immediate yeses to requests and invitations. Yet when push comes to shove, you don’t show up to the yes. It may be that your reactive yes was inauthentic, that you’ve overcommitted, or you are not in the mood. The reason is irrelevant. It’s integrity and self trust that’s at stake here.
You may have a Big Ideas part - the one inside you that is super enthusiastic: the Dreamer! But time again, the ideas don’t manifest. You have a knack for idea creation but lack execution. You pour all your energy into the idea phase and your enthusiasm bursts forth not in action, but by talking about the idea with others. And so, the energy is spent on communicating the idea, perhaps to others who aren’t ready for the idea, or don’t quite align with your vision, and overtime your idea runs out of juice. Either the drive dwindles or it gets placed by a NEW big idea.
If either of these scenarios feel familiar, and you would like to become more accountable to your word, my suggestion for you is “No Trying” Week.
“Do or do not, there is no try. ~ Yoda
The No Trying Week
Here’s how to do it:
Consciously remove “I try” from your vocabulary for one week.
Notice when you say it, and correct yourself immediately. You can either say you will, or you won’t. You must decide in the moment - and if you need more time to be able to say whether you will or you won’t, then you have your response: “I will (let you know tomorrow)”. ** The key point here is to actually follow through on letting them know when you said you would let them know. If this stirs up anxiety, then just say ”I won’t”.
Your new response to any and all invitations, decisions, requests is either “I will” or “I won’t”.
There is no try.
Give yourself permission to notice how often the reactive response “I’ll try” comes through you. Be willing to explore a different way of responding that may offer you more grounding, more ease, more spaciousness, more peace, more self trust.
Make note of what comes up inside of you in response to replacing “I’ll try” with “I will or “I won’t”. Relief? Motivation? Surprise? Confusion? Insecurity? Anxiousness? Guilt? How does it show up? What do you feel in your body, what thoughts stream your consciousness? Be curious about what happens inside of you as you practice removing the words “I’ll try.” Keep tabs on all the parts of you that respond to this conscious practice of replacing “I’ll try” with “I will” or “I won’t”.
Make notes in your journal of these internal responses - as these will be the trailheads of exploration to build self trust, heal your people pleasing tendencies, or actually start manifesting those brilliant ideas of yours.
Notice what areas of your life or which relationships you have a proclivity for “trying”.
Where are you unconsciously using this protective mechanism to avoid taking responsibility for your life?
Where are you using “I try” to play safe - to stay comfortable, small, stuck?
Where are you “trying” because you’re afraid to step outside of your comfort zone and be committed to the next level of you? Make notes of all of this.
At the completion of your ‘No Trying' Week, review your notes and reflect on the impact on your nervous system, your schedule, your relationships, your performance.
After just one week of this you’ll have ample data to dive deeper into your own self healing with your IFS Coach or Therapist so that you can become the responsible, trustworthy, purposefully-aligned human you are capable of being.